Wednesday, July 13, 2011
I am a perpetrator of neglect. Of the vegetable kind.
You'll all remember the childish enthusiasm of a year and a bit ago when I gleefully acquired my allotment. Well. What can I say. If there were social workers attached to the care of veggie patches, my little scrap of land would be on an At Risk register and I'd be the subject of a case conference of the carroty kind right about now.
Of course, it's all down to the growing of another kind I was doing last year. That of the Supreme Diva and Overlord of the Universe, aka, Baby Oub. Foolishly I thought once she arrived I'd be free to mind my little green children. But Supreme Diva and Overlord of the Universe demands TOTAL devotion and if I were to leave her side for just one moment, I would have been disappeared, never to be seen again. (Her secret police are ruthless).
That said, we have had a breakthrough. Supreme Diva and Overlord of the Universe is currently locked up in the Hague awaiting trail for Crimes Against Her Mammy, (Or maybe it's not the Hague, it could be her bedroom I'm thinking of.)
(And just in case any social workers are reading this, she's not really locked up. Yes, there are bars. But that's just on her cot.)
I've been sneaking out to the allotment. Sadly someone stole it in the middle of the night and replaced it with a wild uninhabitable wilderness. A wild uninhabitable wilderness that has been on growth hormones. And wants to be in the Guinness Book of Records for the its wildness. It wears a leather jacket, rides a motor bike and menaces old ladies. It drinks too much and has piercings. And by jove, it just doesn't care.
I was considering faking my own death to escape it. But, you know, that's not what a good mother would do. Of course, as we all know, I'm nothing like a good mother, so the faked death is still an option. But. But. Maybe it's redemption I'm after. A chance to show the world, that I can, that I will! There will be beetroot! That can be courgettes! There shall be shallots!!
Come to me my little leafy offspring.
Grow my xylem and phloem children.
Crank up your transpiration stream and osmos the love to your little chlorophyll hearts.
Mama is back and she's got fertilizer!