It's nearly three am. There really isn't any point blogging now, cause there's no one around to read it. By the time morning rolls around, this post will most likely have quietly slipped down the blogrolls of the blogosphere, gently tripping off to binary purgatory unnoticed.
And that's ok.
I'm in a little bit of a grump.
Why?
Ah, hard to say... I think I feel that life is in a bit of a transitory phase at the moment. Things are changing. Evolving - will it emerge from it's chrysalis a butterfly or a moth?
Is it that it's my birthday next week? Just shy of the dreaded 4-0. I don't think it's possible I'll be 40 next year. I'm actually17 you know. Have been for years. But at forty, if you're average, life is half over. Jaysus. A bit scary. I need to get a move on. Achieve! Don't I?
Or is it that my 20 year school reunion is on tonight and I'm not going? Couldn't work up the enthusiasm to see a bunch of girls I haven't been arsed to see in twenty years - just cause it's been twenty years since I saw them last...
Or is it that we're looking at secondary schools for the eldest Oub child and suddenly it doesn't feel like playing anymore? Yikes, this is an actual person we have to guide and grow. Where has the cute toddler who said funny things gone? He was far easier than this real, growing, creature who we might fuck up. The responsibility.
And then there is my lovely aunt whom I am very very close to. She is into hospital for open heart surgery on Wednesday. It's bloody scary. And I'm not so much worried that she won't come through it all - she has the best doctors - it's more her having to go through this awful time at all. The fact that she is getting old. It's also seeing the same with my parents. Does one start counting how many years you have left with them?
And when and where and how do you balance these concerns with the reality that there isn't much you can do? That life is life and it'll have it's wicked way with you one way or the other.
(It may come as no surprise to you all that it was just my philosophy course marks that dragged down my over all finals results, leaving me with a 2.2, not a 2.1. Bitter, moi? )
But enough.
It's now half past three and the baba has decided to wake up and she's yelling.
Not much to be said about that.
I'll be tired in the morning, but maybe I'll have left the grump behind.
10 comments:
Well, first of all, and I think I speak for all of us in time zones many hours different than yours, we don't like being referred to as "no one." Second of all ... well, I have no second of all.
It sounds like you're doing a healthy bit of introspection, which is what 3:00 am is for. But this:
"And when and where and how do you balance these concerns with the reality that there isn't much you can do?"
That's bullshit. Yep, there's lots you can't do anything about, but there's an infinite number of things you can do something about.
(Ok, I'm rambling, and I may or may not have been riding around the bar areas. But have a happy birthday, and best wishes to your aunt.)
ah, sorry about that DA! Good point on the timezone. Sometimes forget we're not the centre of the universe :)
And yes, may have quietly slipped from introspection to narky nihilism... gotta watch that.
Just the thought of a school reunion makes the grump totally valid. Ugh.
Our daughter will be at high school next year too. Luckily here there is one school so no choosing or visiting required. She's really excited about it... and I've been watching "The Inbetweeners" and remembering some of the horror!!
Grumps are fine.
x
Rachel, only one school! That sounds wonderful. I wish we had that here.
Grump still lingering this morning. But have my tea and poached eggs here, so maybe it'll shoo soon...
We live in a small town!
x
There is something to be said for the small town alright! Hubby is a bit allerigc having grown up in one, but I've always liked the idea :)
Firstly I love your night ramblings - far superior in thought and content than any of mine. For what it is worth, I think these times in life when you question the future, is all part of becoming butterflies or at least attempting to which afterall is all we can do. As for D'oub 1 starting secondary, if you havn't fucked him up by now, he will be grand. I say the latter knowing what a wonderful and loving parent you are, and also because I go by the mantra of - it isn't a question of whether or don't you fuck up your childen, more the level to which you do it, small being the optimum. But finally, I am a bit cross with you for not going to the reunion tonite - can you still go? How bad can it be - and here's the thing, unless you go, you will never know! Go take a chance - that's what life is all about - I'm sure Mr D'oub will record xfactor!!
I find the small town experience very mixed. Sometimes I think it might make my head explode... other times it's so easy and chilled out.
x
Socks - I am always very interested in your parenting advice as your sockettes are such a credit to you! Am I bad that I've been teaching the kids the 'they fuck you up your mum and dad, they dont mean to but they do...' poem :)
Ah, the reunion - I dunno. It's too late now... It all just seemed like so long ago and not really relevant anymore. And besides they're all posh chicks with giant mansions. I may sound a bit posh but as u know, scratch the surface only a little and I'm common as muck :)
Socks - I am always very interested in your parenting advice as your sockettes are such a credit to you! Am I bad that I've been teaching the kids the 'they fuck you up your mum and dad, they dont mean to but they do...' poem :)
Ah, the reunion - I dunno. It's too late now... It all just seemed like so long ago and not really relevant anymore. And besides they're all posh chicks with giant mansions. I may sound a bit posh but as u know, scratch the surface only a little and I'm common as muck :)
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