Did you hear the one about....

Because I don't actually have a functioning brain anymore, I had to steal this post from The Telegraph. It is so funny though. Enjoy :)

"I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it."

Ken Dodd

"I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox."

Tim Vine

"I need cheering up. I lent my friend $8,000 for plastic surgery. Now I don’t know what he looks like.

Emo Philips

"My girlfriend had a phantom pregnancy. Now we have a little baby ghost."

Jimmy Carr

"A man loses his dog, so he puts an ad in the paper. And the ad says, “Here, boy!”

Spike Milligan

"I’m addicted to placebos. I’d give them up, but it wouldn’t make any difference."

Jay Leno

"I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said, “Aren’t you going to help?” I said, “No, six should be enough.”

Les Dawson

"They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. They’re not laughing now."

Bob Monkhouse

"It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake."

Chris Addison

"These are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others."

Groucho Marx