Monday, March 8, 2010

Poetry Train

Here we are. TFE's latest task was a poem inspired by/including etc a Train.

Here is my effort. I can't decide whether its really quite brilliant or not.

Ah, it's brilliant, who am I kidding???

I give you...



Plot 426

You must stay at the gate, 'no dogs allowed'
Glowery growling you can wait.
While I embrace this lingering Eden,
a green golden Eldorado
I know relief, relief amid the muck
simplicity in stones
A primal imprint that speaks of this
forgotten past, a time
when this just was.
Bare branches sleepy stretch
scribbles against the sky
holding spring close for us,
A pheasant, speckled startled darts
Rabbits, rampant, here are kings,
supplicant squirrels their loyal squires.
And chugachuga the trains passes
peeping through the hedge, Mesmer's edge,
I want to wave at those inside
enslaved to 9 and 5
To say 'come join me' here where
I smile. Press pause for the while.
And chugachugachuga you pass
leaving me behind, happy
with dirty nails and calm
turning phototropic new disciple of Ra
Ready to preach.
Content.
Born again.

17 comments:

Niamh B said...

lovely poem smug allotment owner!!

particularly like the scribbles on the sky, the heirarchy among the wild animals and the train peeping, as if it's kind of timid...

I'll say it again

lovely!

Domestic Oub said...

smug, me? Never...

Titus said...

You were right, brilliant.
My favourite line was actually
"simplicity in stones"

I now rather want to be a turning phototropic new disciple of Ra myself now.

Titus said...

now.

Domestic Oub said...

That's an empathic 'now' Titus! :)

Thanks for the compliments, I really enjoyed writing this one.

Rachel Fox said...

I like that central line "when this just was." Quite like the idea of rabbit kings too.
x

Emerging Writer said...

I like it a lot too. It's very soothing somehow. And a little smug. Nothing wrong with that

Pure Fiction said...

The flow of language is just great - and I'm with Niamh B, scribbles on the sky is a brilliant line.
Really like this a lot.

Poetikat said...

I liked the "supplicant squirrel squires", but I'm biased.

Totalfeckineejit said...

The Raiway Children meets Gardeners World in a head-on collision train poetry firework type thing. Aaaooogah, I likes.

Domestic Oub said...

Thanks for the kind words everyone :)

EW - I was going got calm smugness, excellent :)

And I promise everyone all my poems won't be about the allotment, Ipromise...

Argent said...

I enjoyed the tranquility of this and "scribbles against the sky" as well.

Totalfeckineejit said...

And next weeks task is to write a poem about your favourite allotment.

Karen said...

There are many beautiful images here (love the pheasants, rabbits, and squirrels) and language that reads beautifully. Really nice.

Domestic Oub said...

TFE! Allotments, the new zeitgeist!

Again thanks everyone for reading my ickle poem :o)

Jeanne Iris said...

You've painted a lovely scene here with nature in the foreground and the brush stroke of a train. Exquisite!

Crafty Green Poet said...

This is a lovely poetic train ride, I especialyl like the rabbits, rampant...