Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Cake and the CIA Plot

So what do you do the day after 'the man' has stolen 800 of your shiny new euros?

Yes, of course, go shopping at Avoca! Mother lode of lunching ladies and purveyors of pricey purchases.

I needed cheering up.

And I didn't actually buy anything. Well, not for myself. Here is what I got:

1) Set of bunny clips for Baby Oubliette
2) Lots of goodies for Grandmother Oubliette's birthday
3) Cakes for Oubliette boys.



And then I had a coffee. And no cake. Am I or am I not, a total saint? Having lost six pounds in the last seven days, I thought I might actually stay being good. And how have I lost so much weight I hear you all cry?

Totally faddy no carb diet.

I've probably damaged all my internal organs and a few external ones too. But I don't care anymore. I'm sick of doing it by the book and losing only an ounce or two a week.

That's said, Its soo not my fault that I am estranged from my waistline. I blame the CIA. Or maybe the Freemasons. OR the Illuminati. I'm not sure who it is exactly, but it's their fault!

Let me explain - there are four of us in my family. Myself and three brothers. Two brothers - skinny. Oh, they'll pat their bellies and say 'look, getting fat!' when in fact they look like they may have eaten a grape in the last six months or so. (You know who you are!) And then there is myself and brother eile. We were obviously perusing the dessert menu when metabolic genes were being handed out. That grape I mentioned earlier? Well, if we so much as looked at it, it would somehow mutate into the most calorie dense foodstuff know to man and then actually transfer this energy bomb to us - all without us even having to eat it!!

So it struck me - how odd. Its quite neat isn't it - half the children skinny. Half the children rotund. Same parents and upbringing. I decided it was a murky plot. Obviously our parents were approached sometime in the seventies and asked/forced to take part in a secret scientific experiment where my brother and I were injected with fat retention chromosomes. Or some such jiggery pokery.

It really is the only explanation.


(I am legally obliged to point out that brother has actually recently lost loads of weight and is now buffer than Brad.)

8 comments:

Niamh B said...

I don't know, I didn't think anyone could resist Avoca cakes - you're a pillar of strength

Anonymous said...

Nil desperandum. I was a skinny until my thirties - then I turned into a fatty. Avoca gateaux had not a thing to do with it. I think I just calmed down.
What you need is an anxiety complex and the inches will fall off. (But I wouldn't advise it. Anxiety is no fun.) DQ

Domestic Oub said...

Sadly, have been bossom buddies with a galloping anxiety disorder for about 35 and a half years.

It appears to have the opposite effect on me.

Drat.

Br. Grape said...

Hmm, yes, it seems i have been lucky not having to diet and exercise all my life and still being in the enviable position to challenge kiera knightly to a fat-off.

However, you may recall Grandpa Oubliette was similarly waif thin until the age of 27. I think my horizontal blossoming is just around the corner...

Dara said...

Thanks for comments about being buff :) made me laugh out loud in work!!

Look its quite simple, we have different body types than G and C.
But regardless, we were lazy cake eating, buiscuit, indian and beer, lack of excercise, diabetees inviting chumps! So we really didn't give our metoblism any chance...:)

I blame Dad's sunday dinner's 90% cream & butter content!

Lastly, you have to want to change!
Sad thing to say, you get married, you get comfortable! Throw in a few kids...more cake & beer.. mmmm cake and beer.. anyway...and oh you wake up and realise your 17st 4lbs and a 42" waist.

Remember 'Birds of a feather...' n all that.. So if one of your changes weight in family (husband or wife).. the overweight person is going to notice their own weight as not being acceptable. I.e. you suddenly become the fat one!!

So... message of the day! Well done on 7lbs Loss... rock on!
I was same I needed 1 week of fast weight loss to give me momentum...

oh and I had birthday cake at the weekend..and I still lost 2lbs this week so far!! :)

Dara said...

Thanks for comments about being buff :) made me laugh out loud in work!!

Look its quite simple, we have different body types than G and C.
But regardless, we were lazy cake eating, buiscuit, indian and beer, lack of excercise, diabetees inviting chumps! So we really didn't give our metoblism any chance...:)

I blame Dad's sunday dinner's 90% cream & butter content!

Lastly, you have to want to change!
Sad thing to say, you get married, you get comfortable! Throw in a few kids...more cake & beer.. mmmm cake and beer.. anyway...and oh you wake up and realise your 17st 4lbs and a 42" waist.

Remember 'Birds of a feather...' n all that.. So if one of your changes weight in family (husband or wife).. the overweight person is going to notice their own weight as not being acceptable. I.e. you suddenly become the fat one!!

So... message of the day! Well done on 7lbs Loss... rock on!
I was same I needed 1 week of fast weight loss to give me momentum...

oh and I had birthday cake & Xmas Pudding at the weekend..and I still lost 2lbs this week so far!! :) so - (once you get metabolism up to G & C level, eating a bit of cake doesn't have to be a total sin!! as long as your weekly caloric intake is still in a defecit!).

Dara said...

OOOPs posted twice! DOH

Colm Keegan said...

how very xfiles